Tag Archives: the pill

One Radfem’s Experience with Gynecology

This is just an experience babble, because I feel like I have to get it out.  Not much political in here, so if you dun like personal stuff feel free to skip this.  Or if you do, feel free to share your experiences with gynos.   I literally have hundreds of drafts to publish, so expect a real(ish) post sometime this week.

I knew things were going to be bad from the get-go.  I was prepared to be lectured on how I just needed to try a different pill, and find the one that’s “right for me.”  Still, I hoped that maybe, at least, she had women who were going off the pill (probably to try and conceive) and came in because their periods were way off or their body started freaking out.

Just the nurse asking the basic questions confirmed that my pessimism was well-earned.

“Are you sexually active?”

“Yes, but I don’t have intercourse.”

She looked at me like I had grown a second head. “…Do you have oral sex?”

“Well, I don’t go down on him.”

“So, ‘no,’ you aren’t then.”

“…”

Can you say, erasure of my lived orgasms experience?  Cunnilingus, of course, does not count as sex, unlike blowjobs.  So, apparently, I’m abstinent.  This isn’t news to me, since men like Hugo and Glen had been telling me I am.  It should make me more upset than it does, to know that the love making I have doesn’t count for anything at all, just because a dick doesn’t get shoved somewhere.  The implications for lesbians are obvious.   I swear, if I’m ever forced to go to a gyno again, I’m going to ask if having anal sex makes me as sexually active…when it’s with a strap-on and my male partner receiving.

I explained why I came in to the nurse: My last period before I came to the doctor that had taken around 50 days to come, and the one before that just 30 days- what scared me was it seemed to be getting worse, not better.  At the time of the appointment, I hadn’t had a period in over 80 days, and I knew stressing about it would only make it worse, so I decided get a doctor’s opinion.   I said I suspected it was due to me coming off the pill,  since the first few weeks off it threw my body into chaos.   She responded noncommittally, telling me the doctor would be in soon.  The urine test came back negative for pregnancy,  which wasn’t a huge surprise since I hadn’t had intercourse.

I repeated my suspicions to the doctor.  Unsurprisingly, she promptly dismissed them.  I should have no problems going off the pill, it wouldn’t throw my body off at all and my periods should be back to normal immediately.  To try and convince her that coming off the pill had a huge impact on my body, I told her about the month long depression after the withdrawal period and about my breast-yup, just one-lactating and becoming sore and inflamed.  (I now think this was a plugged duct, since after I “expressed” some of whatever the hell was coming out, it started to heal and feel better.)

She proceeded to explain to me, as if I had never had a period, that some women suffer from “premenstrual syndrome,” aka PMS, which could cause those things.   (Who the hell goes through a PMS-induced funk for four weeks?)

And of course, the pill had probably been covering up my extreme PMS, and the best thing to do would be for me to go back on the pill to avoid it again.  I tried to explain that I had never lactated or had sore breasts even before I went on the pill, or before my latest period.   Of course, that was ignored, and she suggested instead that maybe I had PMDD, which, of course, would be treated by the pill.

She then went on to tell me I should go back on it, to regulate my periods.  I told her that I didn’t want to “regulate” my periods, I wasn’t going to take hormones and raise my risk of stroke for such a small reason, and reemphasized that I did not want to be on the pill.

As a doctor, she should know and explain to the patient there is a difference between a period and the withdrawal bleeding experienced when stopping hormonal contraceptives.

When I told her about going off the pill, she asked why I would do such a thing.  I said my partner and I weren’t going to have intercourse anymore, so there wasn’t much of a point.  I had health reasons, too: , having migraine headaches makes one four times more likely to suffer a stroke, and I have those probably once or twice a month.  The pill also increases the risk of stroke significantly, and I don’t want to up my risks of stroke for no reason.

Her response?

You’re more likely to have a stroke due to pregnancy than from being on the pill.

…dfjsdlfj.  Hey, doc, you remember where I told you I’m not having intercourse?  And even if I was, you heard of condoms?  Aren’t doctors supposed to look out for our health, and weigh the risks and benefits of the drugs they prescribe?  Oh sorry, I forgot this was women’s health, which means the goal is to make it as non-consequential as possible for a man to stick his dick in you, or deal with the consequences of him doing that.

When the “regulate your [unruly] periods/PMS/avoid pregnacy” approach didn’t work, she shifted gears.

It was “dangerous” for me to have irregular periods, because it could mean I have an estrogen deficiency, which would mean I could suffer from osteoporosis sooner in life.  And guess what I might do, to ensure that I wouldn’t suffer from osteoporosis early in life?   I should be on the pill to ensure I would develop “healthily.”  (No, she didn’t say anything about testing my hormones before recommending I get on the pill).

Eventually, she gave up on converting me to pillitute, and said I could change now for the exam.  I told her I didn’t want a pap smear.  She told me they were needed just to check for STDs.  Well, I wasn’t “sexually active” so that wasn’t a problem-the issue seemed settled to me.

So, after our one-on-one, I changed into the paper thing, took off my pants, got on the table, and laid down.  The doctor and nurse came in. I’m not sure why the nurse was there, she didn’t do anything the whole time.  Now I think she was there to hold me down in case I fought back.

She springs it on me we’re going to do the pap smear.  I said I don’t want to (again).  Couldn’t we not do it.  She said we had to, to see if anything was “wrong.”  She didn’t explain what she might find that way, or what STD might cause a missed period.  Just that I “had to” have one.

I don’t think I said anything, so she started examining my vulva.   At least she warned me before she inserted the speculum, I guess.  I started crying at this point.

She told me if I relaxed it wouldn’t hurt.  Relax, relax, relax.  It’s going to hurt if you’re tense.  She just kept saying to relax.

I cried and screamed the whole time.  I honestly wish I had flashbacked, or dissociated, but I didn’t.

The  finger exam was next.  I had done that before with no problem, because my last gynecologist had been really kind.  I told her I would be okay with that, as long as she just used one finger.

Less than a minute in, she told me she was inserting a second.  It wasn’t a question.

After being allowed to dress myself, she tells me I have to go get blood drawn to test my TSH, LH, estrogen and prolactin levels, which makes perfect sense to me the.  I go the checkout and get the prescreiption for getting the testing done.

Apparently she thinks I’m too dumb to know what the word “hirsutism” means or just too dumb to google it, becuase she put that as a symptom on the sheet, next to amenhorea.   It actually is a legit condition, and a sign of problems-I’m not denying that.

What pisses me off is that she didn’t bring it up to me during the exam-if you think there’s something wrong with me or a symptom that something is off, I have the right to know.  It’s my goddamn body.  But I guess she thought I might get uppity.

I feel like I was raped all over again, but now it’s almost worse.  Because of who I am now, I can’t just write it off as what sex is normally like.  I enjoyed sex so much, and now I can’t.  I feel like everything people say about radical feminists is true: I’m a prude, that I just need to be “taught” how to have sex, I’m sexually dysfunctional and just plain fucked up.

*Do lesbians even really go to gynos?  STDs, cervical cancer, pregnancy, and birth control are pretty much straight-women exclusive.  I suggest they just rename gynos to “birth control dealers” and be done with it.

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Get this shit outta my system

Lately, I’ve been depressed.  Not the sort I’m used to, that comes after recovering new memories or thinking about men and quickly turns into a healthy rage.  It’s not even like I had before, where I felt too hideous to go outside or forced myself into dieting/starving.  But a total “blah” feeling.   I can’t think of anything coinciding with the beginning of this mood change except me going off the pill.

Here’s a timeline of the past few weeks:

Week 1 off the pill (or when I would be on the placebos): Happier than I had been for quite a while.   With my withdrawal bleeding/artificial period came a swollen left nipple and a bump under it.  Lactated some from that boob for the first time ever.

Week 2: Nipple problem went away right after my period ended.  Discharge and my wetness/ejaculate is definitely different in texture, consistency and taste.  Mood goes up and down.  Told my nigel if this continues I might just go back on the pill, because I’m so sick of it.

Week 3: Total down.  Maybe felt happy once this week.  Haven’t wanted to play games, read blogs, or do anything.  I try and have sex in an attempt to feel normal or good.  Nigel notices I’m pushing myself into sex in the hopes I’ll enjoy it, return to normal or feel something.  (I did that a lot when we first started dating because I assumed that was all he wanted and I wanted him to stick around.)  Now he refuses to do anything with me for at least a few weeks, no matter what I say I want.  Which I think is honestly the best thing to do, but I hate that I’m so desperate to feel anything I’ll push myself into things.

Week 4 (now): Don’t want to see nigel, my parents, or anybody  (not even my pets).  Not reading any books or blogs, playing any games, enjoying music, or drawing much (even tho I just got my wacom tablet, ffs).  Can’t remember the last time I laughed, or what I last talked to nigel about.  Sleeping when not at work.  Seem to be getting worse.

I’m pissed off (well, “mildy irritated” is more accurate considering my mood problem now) about no one requiring drug companies to do studies on and explain/warn about the side effects of going OFF a certain medication.  Did anyone ever tell me that missing my cymbalta by a few  hours would render me nonfunctional for the rest of the day?  When I say “nonfunctional,” I dun mean emotionally like I am now-I mean I could not walk in a straight line.  Needless to say I wouldn’t be surprised if this WAS all the result of coming off the pill and no one talked about it.  (Semi-related: I would not be having these problems at all if I weren’t born female, because there would be no need/pressure for me to be on hormonal birth control.)

I’m fighting with myself now.   A very large part of me wants to try taking the pill every other day and seeing if my depression goes away or lightens, so that I can know its the pill.  But another part of me is scared shitless that’ll make my moods fuck up worse, not to mention I want to keep that shit out of my system permanently.

I really have no idea what to do.  I’m already on antidepressants for my PTSD-as much as you can take of the type I’m on (120mg a day of Cymbalta). I’m thiking about going to my shrink to try and change to different ones, but it’s quite likely changing antidepressants (and defs going off cymbalta) will fuck me up more.  I just want to be myself again.  Sorry for this pathetic excuse for a post, but not wanting to do anything means I don’t even want to write.

TL;DR: The pill is dangerous and I want to be off of it, but going off it seems to be making my life a living hell.  (Or something else is, but I have no idea what else it could be.) What the fuck should I do?  Will I just have to wait this out?