I’m sorry for disappearing again. The influx of trolls wasn’t that bad-only one comment really hurt, because it said I deserved it in a certain way. I always felt that the only thing that would pull me away again would be being hurt again, and guess what? That happened in a way.
My period hadn’t come for 80-something days, so I went the gynecologist to try to figure out if this was normal for someone coming off of the pill and maybe check my hormone levels. I made it clear from the start I didn’t want a pap smear, and she didn’t say I had to have one, until I was already on the exam table. I still said I didn’t want to but she said I had to, and I guess I froze up from there. I haven’t felt that violated in years. It feels stupid because it’s just an exam and they all say it doesn’t/shouldn’t hurt, but it did. I felt, and still feel, like I was raped again.
I’m not sure how to label it or anything-that word feels too extreme, maybe. Just feels like it shouldn’t have happened, because I thought I wasn’t as “weak” as I was before, when I didn’t fight back. But I still froze up, and didn’t fight really.
I avoided radical feminist stuff for months-I didn’t read a single book or article. I didn’t even talk about radfem issues, unless it was blatantly shoved in my face. I can’t really explain why, I guess, but I think it maybe just felt pointless in a way, since I thought I was stronger for it and, look what happened? I still let myself get hurt. I knew the medical establishment was shit, yet I still let it win. It’s not really the same, but I imagine it might be how Dworkin felt after she was raped the last time. Knowing so much about the issues makes it worse for me.
Anyways, I figured I’d share the one thing I did write during this space: my term paper for Global Feminism. It isn’t as radical or angry as I felt about the issue, because college (and liberal feminism) discourages that sort of thinking, but the approach I think couldn’t come from anywhere but radical feminism. I started with the idea that marriage is basically prostitution, and you can see where it goes from there. Warning: It’s loooong. And by the way, I got an A.
The “mail-order bride” industry, as it is known, has grown significantly since the advent of the internet and represents many of the forces of globalization. Estimates on the number of marriages orchestrated by mail-order bride agencies vary and many suffer from methodological problems, but generally report around a few thousand marriages a year in the United States. Concerns have frequently been raised about the exploitation involved in mail-order marriages, resulting in media and scholarly attention to the issue. Reading the literature, it becomes apparent that there are connections between the mail-order bride industry and human trafficking. Some of these connections are concrete, such as the use of mail-order bride services for recruiting victims, while other connections lie in the forces behind the trades and the people involved with it.