My week has been shit, yet again. I came to the realization that my most recent ex didn’t just “forget” my boundries; he didn’t “accidently” trigger me. It seems small, but the difference between thinking david was just a careless asshole, and him purposely crossing my boundries to make the sex into rape— because thats what he got off on— is unspeakable.
As if that weren’t enough, my lover saw glenn looking for me in Latin Club. I haven’t peep from him for two years. Why now? If I run into him, will he start stalking me again? Did he just want to fuck with me a little bit while he was in town, or did he come for the sole purpose of freaking me out? I thought he had just found someone else to rape/stalk/creep out by now, but apparently I’m still a target. I almost went to Latin Club that day. The only reason I didn’t was because I couldn’t get a ride. It was so fucking close.
Latin club was the one place I had friends who didn’t side with any of my rapists, where I could actually relax and have fun. And now, it’s gone. Whether or not he’s actually dangerous, as in he might hurt me again, I have no idea. But I know that just seeing him would cause me to have a meltdown. Best case scenario, I would just become more numb and dysfunctional for a while, worst-case scenario, I would do everything in my power to kill him and beat the living shit out of him. Although him dying is the best result to me, if I want to get anything done politically (which is still a consideration of mine), being a “crazy bitch” would permanently kill that possibility.
Fuck I am incoherent as all hell. I feel useless and pretty guilty for trying to just relax and avoid anything related to rape and abuse, which obviously limits my ability to read and write radical feminist shit. So I’m replaying Persona 4, because it takes my mind off of reality and the characters (and the pairings of them I love) give me warm fuzzy feelings.