Category Archives: abuse

Poor, poor, johns

I swear. Most of the “sex worker” activists I have met constantly talk about how we shouldn’t “demonize” the johns, because they’re usually married/partnered*, etc, and they are simply seeking understanding for a sexual act that their steady partner cannot or will not provide.  Men aren’t just looking to “bust a nut,” they’re seeking the love and understanding every human wants.  Or that some people are just “incapable” of relationships with the opposite sex.  And they’re normal men just like your coworkers and friends. So they need an outlet.

If I don’t have, or can’t have a relationship, I don’t feel like I should have the right to exchange money for sex. I don’t. Especially since there would be no way for me to know if they had “chosen” sex work, or had only chosen it from a range of other shitty options (minimum wage jobs, etc, etc). Essentially, no one has the right to buy sex or sexual acts-we know that a great amount of abuse exists in this industry, and anyone who risks the chance of raping someone so that they can “get some” is sick.  No one has the right to sex, period.

However pitiful some women are, however lonely they feel, I don’t see them thinking they have a right to sex.  Women want love and understanding just as everyone does, but we never get it.  Yet somehow, we don’t use prostitutes.  Women, FOR SOME REASON, generally don’t purchase sex; women represent sex, thus they are usually sellers.   Why are the roles in prostitution so gendered?   Who has the resources and the money?  Men.  Who has the prestige?  Men.  Who has the power?  Men.  Who represents sex?  Women.   Most men believe they are entitled to sex, and as a result they make up most rapists and most johns.  Women are not raised to think of themselves as “entitled” to sex- sex is something women give and men take.

Wanting love and understanding does not make johns understandable or sympathetic, unless you’re the type who “understands” MRAs.  Yeah, they’re human, but so are rapists.   Wanting love and understanding means get a goddamn therapist, or failing that, talk to people.  Hell, you could even just talk to the prostitute, and not fuck her.  It does not mean you should fuck women.  The fact that people say johns are just seeking understanding and love is disgusting.  If they were, they wouldn’t have the sex, they wouldn’t need it, they wouldn’t demand it, and they wouldn’t be violent, they wouldn’t ask for unprotected sex.

These men aren’t seeking understanding: they are seeking the image of it.  A woman, nurturing like a mother, but also a whore, who will nurture the man through whatever sick fetish he’s developed.  A yes-woman, who will agree that his wife is a bitch, frigid, stupid, whatever.  Consequently, the image for a “sex worker” is that of a college-educated middle class white woman (preferably aryan) who drops every career opportunity and hobby to fuck men for money.  Her image is no different from that of “good mom,” who leaves her potential career behind “by choice,” because she wuves her kids so much and wishes them to have the best.

But, here are a few large differences:  children have a need for someone to care for them, men, on the other hand, and specifically johns, have jobs and the full development necessary to take care of themselves.  No one needs to take care of grown men. However much they seem or act as helpless as babies, they aren’t.  It’s an act.

This whole outlet thing is the same bullshit that says men’s sex drives are natural and unstoppable;  therefore they have a right to an outlet.  God forbid we raise men to NOT feel entitled to sex, so that they will not rape or purchase “sex.”

No one has ever died from lack of sex.   Ever.

So can it about men’s sexual and emotional “needs.”  Women’s right to not be raped and used sexually is more important than some douchebag’s orgasm.

*So are most child molesters, rapists and serial killers.  I doubt this is a coincidence.

Battered Women vs. Women in Porn

Any feminist of merit knows what frequently happens with battered and otherwise abused women: they blame themselves, they rarely leave immediately, and they often love their abuser.  “It’s bad most of the time, yeah, but the good times are really great.”  I know.  I’ve been there too (though he only “battered” me via BDSM and rough sex).  She often stays, and we don’t blame her for that, even when she’s rationalizing it.  We don’t say she “agreed” to be hit in exchange for money if she chooses to stay out of economic necessity.  We know battered women’s syndrome and Stockholm syndrome, and a lot of us have been there.  We understand.

But when a woman is in porn, somehow the standard feminist narrative is that they chose it, and they stay because they like it.  When someone feels that women in porn or are being abused, or even just points out that they are paid to act, we are accused of “victimizing” them and accusing them of false consciousness by pro-porn ‘feminists.’  Or worse, being “unable” to handle the idea that a woman might like having sex with strangers for money.  (Because we’re prudes, basically.)   They might be treated badly, but they make good money (better than most other entry-level jobs), they get attention, adoration, and affection.* It can make you feel fuckable or lovable.  If they chose to make money by working in porn or prostitution, even when it’s violent or she has a lack of economically feasible alternatives, most of these feminists would say she consented.

Isn’t saying battered wives who say their partners are wonderful “assuming” they’re a victim and arguing that they have a false consciousness?  Isn’t that just as “patronizing,” to say that a woman is being abused when she says she isn’t?

What is the difference, then, between an abused porn actress and an abused wife?

One stays out of love or fear; the other out of a need for money, drugs or attention.  One is a “good girl”; the other a “bad girl.”  The slut is ok to hurt and punish, the virgin should be taken care of.  What am I trying to say?  Either the “sex-positives” need to blame women for staying with their abusers and defend the rationalizations they make for them, or they need to acknowledge that all kinds of abused and hurt people will deny their pain and situation.  It’s hypocritical to do otherwise.  Unless pro-sex industry feminists mean to favor “good girls” and “prudes” over whores–you know, that thing they always accuse us of.

I am sick of all this “rational choice” shit.  Unfortunately, I know that we’re heading towards blaming women from what I have seen on sites such as feministing and at the feminist club on my campus.  I am sick of empathy going out the window, and all we talk about are the pay gap or birth control.  I am tired of settling.

* What I mean here by “affection” is not actual affection, but the conflating of abuse/love that often happens with rape, especially with incest from what I understand.

On doms, tops, partner’s of submissives, rapists, whatevs

The “feminist” analysis of BDSM is the main reason I became a radical feminist.  Women talking about how they love being spanked, etc, etc, but getting all defensive (i’m still FEMINIST GOSH SEX-POLICING) just got old.  Especially because I said the same thing-without the feminist part-when I was with glenn.  This was high school, what are supposed to be the best years of my life.  With him, I *liked* kinky stuff.

After he first raped me, I stayed with him for two a half years.  I repressed what he did and continued to have “consensual sex” with him.   I’d suggest kinky stuff, he’d suggest kinky stuff, if I was a little hesitant I might say so.  But I always did in the end.   He bragged to his friends I liked it.  I orgasmed a lot-so I liked it, right?  He loved me.  I loved him.  If you asked me about our sex?  I enjoyed it.  Really did, yes I’m sure.  Yeah, I’m just naturally submissive and a nympho.  Nothing makes you feel more desired than being someone’s sextoy.

It’s always about the woman’s desire.  What if SHE consents, what if she ASKS to be spanked, to be bound, to be “raped” in a roleplay, to dress up like a little girl.  Fine, whatever.  I know women can like those things.  I did myself.  We may disagree why they do (I say brainwashing AKA socialization, they say natural/choice), but I know women can like them.

But their partner, the man-what about him?  Like with the “sex worker” debates, the men are made invisible by the “sex-positives.”  For a couple to have “sex” like this, he’s has to do his part.  And he gets turned on by hitting you, tying you up, “fake” raping you, and pretending you’re a little girl.  For a woman to “choose” to be tied up and whipped, someone has to do the whipping. For you to fulfill your desire to be hurt, someone has to like hurting you.   You like being helpless and feeling like he could do whatever he wants to you, giving up any control.  He likes you being helpless, feeling like he could do anything to you, raping you, and he gets off on having total control.

Do I blame submissives and masochists, whether they’re men or women?  No, so long as they don’t act like BDSM is the most progressive sex ever,  avoid the whole “CHOICECHOICE” bullshit and acknowledge that abused women say use the same defenses.

Do I blame dominants, masters, tops, and sadists?   Hell yes.  They get off on pain– specifically, women’s pain.  That’s misogyny.  They have the mentality of a rapist and abuser.  They want control and your submission.

He might say he only likes it because you “consent” to it and like it.  But you can’t know that.  Considering how often men rape, and especially how often it occurs in relationships– enjoying control over you, even if it’s just “pretend,” is a huge red flag.   Kids don’t play pretend to imagine something they wouldn’t actually enjoy, or be someone they don’t like.   They argue to be the main character or the character with the strongest powers.  Most would probably WANT to be a superhero or have magical powers and shit.  The same applies to dominant men and what they “pretend” in the bedroom: if they don’t already have control, they want it.

Even if what he is saying is true, why would he like that you enjoy those things?  Why would he like you to enjoy being hurt and degraded?  The short answer is to make you a slut and other you, but I’ll elaborate on that more later.

PS: Never get on the pill.  Coming OFF of it is a trainwreck.  I had only a bit of nausea when I first started it, but now I’m having a shit ton of cramps, mood swings, boob soreness and bleeding like a hurricane.  Whatever the means.  Fuck.

FML

My week has been shit, yet again.  I came to the realization that my most recent ex didn’t just “forget” my boundries; he didn’t “accidently” trigger me.  It seems small, but the difference between thinking david was just a careless asshole, and him purposely crossing my boundries to make the sex into rape— because thats what he got off on— is unspeakable.

As if that weren’t enough, my lover saw glenn looking for me in Latin Club. I haven’t peep from him for two years.  Why now?  If I run into him, will he start stalking me again?  Did he just want to fuck with me a little bit while he was in town, or did he come for the sole purpose of freaking me out?    I thought he had just found someone else to rape/stalk/creep out by now, but apparently I’m still a target.  I almost went to Latin Club that day.   The only reason I didn’t was because I couldn’t get a ride.    It was so fucking close.

Latin club was the one place I had friends who didn’t side with any of my rapists, where I could actually relax and have fun.  And now, it’s gone.  Whether or not he’s actually dangerous, as in he might hurt me again, I have no idea.  But I know that just seeing him would cause me to have a meltdown.   Best case scenario, I would just become more  numb and dysfunctional for a while, worst-case scenario, I would do everything in my power to kill him and beat the living shit out of him.  Although him dying is the best result to me, if I want to get anything done politically (which is still a consideration of mine), being a “crazy bitch” would permanently kill that possibility.

Fuck I am incoherent as all hell.  I feel useless and pretty guilty for trying to just relax and avoid anything  related to rape and abuse, which obviously limits my ability to read and write radical feminist shit.  So I’m replaying Persona 4, because it takes my mind off of reality and the characters (and the pairings of them I love) give me warm fuzzy feelings.

I can’t believe I forgot this.

But I still wish I hadn’t remembered.  I really don’t know what to do about this.  I haven’t been this dissociated for so long.  I was having such a good week, why did this memory have to come now?

I can’t remember how it came up, no matter how hard I push or how much I want to.   I remember who was involved.   Glenn was, of course.  The record store owner who checked me out and made passes at me whenever I’d visit the store with glenn.  Did glenn offer the owner the pictures of me?  Or was it that the owner suggested he exchange them for albums and discounts?

I know glenn had showed at least one picture of me to a friend without asking, and this was before we had broken up and during a honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle.  So after I left him, what would he have done with them?  Everytime I thought about it, I kept thinking he was too cowardly to risk posting them on the internet, that he would be too afraid of getting in trouble for having child pornography.  But giving them to one guy isn’t that risky.   Hell, giving it to a few isn’t.  People do it all the time.  He probably told the owner the same thing he told his friends: I dumped him for some other man; that the bitch (me) had planned to leave him all along.

If he showed one friend, why not the others?  He had already told them all about how he fucked me.  How I liked being spanked, choked, degraded and dressed up in whatever pornified outfit he wished.  So they gave him “toys” to help him out.  Ropes and a paddle that had holes in it, so the air wouldn’t slow down the speed of his swing.  I remember them talking about how lucky he was to have a nympho for a girlfriend.  I was his slut, and he bragged about it.  Why wouldn’t he show off the pictures of me he took?

I know he was angry when I broke up with him.  He stalked me for weeks, so there’s no way I couldn’t notice that.  Would he do that, though?  Put them on the internet?   Would his friends put it on the internet, or put him up to it?

No one believed the sex was really rape.  In the pictures, I smiled for him, posed in whatever obscene position he wanted me in.  No one would think I was being abused.  I was fooling myself.  He would distribute them, at least to his friends.  Of course he would.  He probably had even before I left him.  He’d definitely share them if it got him his music cheaper.

How am I supposed to get through the day knowing this?  For all I know, some dude could be on an amateur porn site, wacking off to the pictures of me degrading myself right now, thinking about what a slut I am.  Glenn himself could still be getting off on the pictures.  His friends could be with him, laughing together and bonding over a female body on display as men always do.

I still feel like it’s my fault.  Most feminists would call it consensual.  I still remember a discussion on feministing, where a woman had reported a gang rape, and a video was later put on the internet.  The video “proved” it was consensual-not just to the cops, but to the “feminist” commenters.  It clearly wasn’t rape.  She was lying, they said, cause she didn’t want to look like a slut or get in trouble for cheating on her boyfriend.  My smiles would prove I consented.

I cried when I read those comments months ago, but somehow I can’t bring myself to cry now.  My thoughts are all disjointed and I can’t even write a coherent paragraph.  Or, at least, they’re more incoherent than usual.   Happy summer break for me.