Why I Disappear

I’ve been chewing on a lot of thoughts lately, and they’ve all really come in a flood.  Most of this is thanks to my job, which forces me to interact with average people daily.   As a summary, so far: An intern has a boyfriend old enough to be her dad, all the women wish to get implants (if they haven’t already), parents bring their kids daily and subject them to gender training (no you can’t get that sticker, it’s a boy sticker!), and most recently two average males working are there. So much for my female only paradise.

I feel so weak for not keeping up with blogging.  I wouldn’t feel bad if its not so much a lack of inspiration for posts. But that’s not it at all. I have multiple things written, others that I’m working on, but I worry so much I’m annoying or saying something stupid that I just never make the jump to publishing shit.  To make things worse, I don’t even say anything about why I disappear, because I don’t want people to know how weak I am, especially when they’re women I admire.  It’s not like with men, where I don’t want them to know because they’ll get off on it or use it against me.  It’s just my stupid pride.

Worst of all, I doubt I would have published anything from the beginning if not for my nigel-and I hate that aspect of myself more than anything.  Because, you know, a nigel supportive and encouraging of radfem beliefs is like a fucking unicorn.  But I’d be lying if I said I could totally stand on my own. I’m trying to work on this, and I guess the first step is admitting it. Yet still, as I’m typing this, all I can think is I’m sorry I’m so pathetic.  Please don’t hate me.

I never used to be like this, until the first time men laughed at me trying to defend myself.  I never worried about being fat, until the first time a man called me that.  I know, in my head, that it’s not that I’m just weak, most would succumb to that kind of pressure, but I still feel like I should have just been stronger.  Should just be stronger.  But I guess inside I’m still an insecure little white girl, who needs approval and encouragement to do what she wants.  The only exception to this is with how I treat men and rape-apologists.  But then, the only emotion I feel is loathing and rage for men and the world. Or I feel nothing at all, become icy and logical. I don’t hesitate at all, and go right for the jugular.  Yet, around women, I just freeze up, because I want to be accepted so badly.

TL;DR: I’m sorry for being such a flake, y’all.  The post after this will probably be a personal one as well, because I saw a gynecologist yesterday.  Now I feel so disgusting and violated.  And stupid for going at all, because I should have known it wouldn’t help.


14 responses to “Why I Disappear

  1. I love your writing msc. But your thoughts are your own. You don’t have to share them, unless you want to. That’s first and foremost. You are completely entitled to the privacy of your own thoughts. And if your nigel is pushing you in this area, then maybe he shouldn’t be.

    I think of radfem writing as a gift, I really do. Everything any radfem writes and puts out there is a gift to other radfems, and other women. It’s nothing any of us HAVE to do, we do it because we love the work, and we care about women, and making connections that will help other radfems along with their work. It helps radfem theory even, because it strengthens it every time we show everyone how true it is.

    But like any gift, its completely voluntary, always. I feel driven to do it, but I love doing it. If you don’t, or you just want to write for now without publishing any of it immediately, theres nothing wrong with that, at all. That’s what writers used to do, in fact. It’s called writing a book.

  2. Anyway, my point about it being a gift is that its completely appreciated, not judged. It’s wonderful and precious. Radfems who write are giving me a wonderful gift, its everything I ever wanted, and I absolutely appreciate all radfems, and all radfem work. When I see something new in my blog surfer, it makes my day, always.

  3. Yes, I second that motion of FCM’s. All women struggle for authenticity, and have varying degrees of dealing with male supremacy. Like physical strength, we have varying degrees of mental strength.

    What can appear ordinary and obvious to one woman, can be beyond the imagination of the other.

    Radical feminism is founded on the simple act of women telling the truth to each other, and trying to agree on a strategy for eliminating male supremacy in the world. We have to know what we think from a radical feminist context in order to be the warriors in the world.

    We have to describe the tricks of patriarchy, so that other women will know what is really going on, even for such a simple thing like a nice man buying you a dinner. Men expect payback always. Young women being romanced by older men might not know about this.
    They come to a radical feminist blog, where women clue other women in. We try to teach women that patriarchy is a system of womanhating, and that it has patterns that can be discerned in advance. It is like a law of physics, once you know the law, you can always see what is happening and understand how to strategize. If you don’t know the rules of the game men play by, you’ll be mystified— why did that apple fall down? You see the 500th apple fall and still ask the same question.

    Why did that man buy me a drink? Why do they always offer to do this? After the 500th time this happens in a cocktail lounge, it’s useful to know why so many men go to these places and do this, for example.

    Since patriarchy has tried to literally eliminate women’s thoughts throughout the centuries, we are always in search of reclaiming our true selves, and our desire for liberation.

    It is our collective strength, and if we don’t hear about everything, we won’t have collective knowledge. You can have courage in being you as you are able to be Mscitrus. We all rely on what wisdom as radical feminists we can reveal to each other, and sometimes we just have to close down the store and rest.

    A radical feminist position is THE hardest job on earth bar none, because there is seemingly no great reward for it. Malestream women hate us, men naturally hate us, there is no money in it :-), there is only the truth we discover, the aha moments, and how our life dramatically improves as we know the truth and live in it.

    Without the light of radical feminism, I would not have been half the woman I came to be.
    It is the excitement of this truth that so liberates me, and even vulnerability and this weak feeling we can have when we know we are up against the monsters 24/7, or perhaps we have Nigels out there who are completely well intentioned. But it can be that a Nigel is like a white parent of a black adopted child. The white parent loves the child, but doesn’t really know the racist world the child faces, and can’t really educate the child in a deep way the black parents would. A weak analogy I know.

    Thanks for writing this blog Mscitrus. I always enjoy your points of view and value your honesty.

  4. Nothing pathetic in any of this at all. Your writing is always valued and is important, and the womyn you admire, probably admire you back, so there’s always that as well 🙂

    Hope you are okay and decide to keep rolling with this blog, I think it makes some fantastic reading personally :0

  5. Mscitrus, I love your writing. But it is your writing … it belongs to you, and you have no duty to publish posts, or keep to a schedule, or write about certain topics. Like fcm says, radfem posts are a gift (a much appreciated one).

    I think radfem blogging is hard. Really, I do. It means writing about difficult and confronting topics and thinking about all these things constantly. It means having your writing scrutinized by some of the smartest people on the internet. It means coming face to face with men’s hatred of women, and this bleeds into radfem bloggers’ lives and into our relationships in a way that just doesnt happen if you’re a funfem and primarily blogging about max tucker and stuff. I think it is very easy for radfem bloggers to burn out (radfem blogs seem to come and go like clockwork). If you need to take a break and disappear every now and again it’s completely understandable. being such a flaky blogger myself, it’s not something I would ever judge another radfem on, that’s for sure!

  6. D’aw thanks y’all. 🙂 I really appreciate it. I don’t feel like I have to do it, I love writing and piecing stuff together. It’s therapeutic in a way, especially since I’m just starting to process my most recent ex. It’s just the sharing part that makes me nervous as hell. I’m blushing from all the compliments, thank you! ❤

    I wouldn't say nigel pushes me to write, I guess. I write on my own, whether or not he says jack shit, and then I'll show him what I've done sometimes when we see each other or just let him read the drafts. The weird thing is I never worry about what he thinks, because he's a dude and thus his opinion is damn near useless on this stuff. But with women I freeze up because I want to be understood so badly, I can't just be like "well fuck y'all" and walk off without a thought, like I do with douchebag bros. Especially since I don't really have any close female friends IRL and the feminist club on campus sucks. And as you say, Miska, I feel like radfems are the smartest people on the internet so I get even more nervous around them than just other women.

  7. Yeah Ms Ctrus, I know what you mean about radical feminists being the smartest women on the planet! Just get me in a room full of my elder statewomen radical feminists, and well, I am in awe.
    Had dinner awhile back with Alix Dobkin– age 70 this year, and just out with an autobiography. She put out the first woman’s music album in 1973, and is an incredible folksinger.
    At any rate, she was so solid and so present and so woman loving, I just can’t explain how great it was to finally meet her after decades of loving and discussing her music with other Dykes worldwide.
    The women who were born in the 1920s to the 1940s are incredible and were incredible. I’m merely a late baby boomer newcomer, but when you meet them, they give you such a sense of strength.
    So I hope that our group can share our strength with you MsCitrus, because you have so much to say. I know, compliments can cause blushing, but one thing about true radical feminism is we attempt to listen and learn from each other. All the generations can’t always be on the same page, nor all the lesbians and straight women, but we know we have a great philosophy, a noble tradition, and each one of us contributes to the whole of women’s liberation.

    That’s what it’s all about 🙂

  8. SheilaG! The mighty SheilaG! =)

    I’ve been bouncing around radfem blogs ever since I discovered their psychiatric ward a day or two ago, and the one constant, aside from literally, quite literally *everyone* having a mental illness, has been you! You, popping up in the comment sections.

    What has emerged? Much lulz, that’s what. I have a few windows open here, and I have been fucking laughing. Really, it’s the little brain failures. Example? In undercoverpunk’s “comments from men” thread you keep writing about how utterly incompetent men are, all the while continuously misspelling “competent” and “incompetent”. On Factcheckme’s it’s-the-trauma-bonding-talking thread you say “All I knew is I hated men with a passion, and always wanted them dead.” What does your very next sentence begin with? “”I just had no feeling for them at all”.

    I also find all your talk about how you could kill men any time you liked ironic. Despite hating men, all this aggressive posturing makes you the most stereotypically mannish of the lot.

    If only I was a total fucking stalker I’m sure I could find far, far more, but alas I’ve only seen a few blogs and a few threads, and I’m bored now. If the chans ever find these places they will have a field day.

    Over on Fruitcakemix’s carnival of derangement at Femonade you were rambling in the it’s the-trauma -bonding-talking thread how PIV is an addiction of some sort. That was great – it wouldn’t at all fall into the category of adaptive evolutionary behaviour? Hell, if I was a scientist I might think behaviours likely to result in reproduction are propagated because they are inherited by the next generation. I might think after so much evolutionary history, and for so long being the only thing conducive to continued human life, it’s hard to see how you think PIV is on the same level of pathology as addiction. But we know why, your mind, and Factard’s mind, broke at some point.

  9. “Yeah Ms Ctrus, I know what you mean about radical feminists being the smartest women on the planet! ”

    You are gold!

  10. Ms. C I am so sorry that arsehat troll from my blog found his way over here.

    • Haha, it’s cool. He’s probably gonna flail around for a while on radfem blogs. Not your fault he’s a douche. (I love the avatar it generated for him here…pfft)

      • Hahha it is rather appropriate hey? The first few comments he posted at mine were kinda lulzy then he spammed like a fiend, so now his comments get sent straight to my spam folder.

  11. These fellas are best deleted/ spammed in my experience. They do tend to be persistent.

    • He’s already spammed for now, and attempted to use a different name I think. I’m just weirded out he insulted nearly every commenter, but not me. Bwah?

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