I’ve been chewing on a lot of thoughts lately, and they’ve all really come in a flood. Most of this is thanks to my job, which forces me to interact with average people daily. As a summary, so far: An intern has a boyfriend old enough to be her dad, all the women wish to get implants (if they haven’t already), parents bring their kids daily and subject them to gender training (no you can’t get that sticker, it’s a boy sticker!), and most recently two average males working are there. So much for my female only paradise.
I feel so weak for not keeping up with blogging. I wouldn’t feel bad if its not so much a lack of inspiration for posts. But that’s not it at all. I have multiple things written, others that I’m working on, but I worry so much I’m annoying or saying something stupid that I just never make the jump to publishing shit. To make things worse, I don’t even say anything about why I disappear, because I don’t want people to know how weak I am, especially when they’re women I admire. It’s not like with men, where I don’t want them to know because they’ll get off on it or use it against me. It’s just my stupid pride.
Worst of all, I doubt I would have published anything from the beginning if not for my nigel-and I hate that aspect of myself more than anything. Because, you know, a nigel supportive and encouraging of radfem beliefs is like a fucking unicorn. But I’d be lying if I said I could totally stand on my own. I’m trying to work on this, and I guess the first step is admitting it. Yet still, as I’m typing this, all I can think is I’m sorry I’m so pathetic. Please don’t hate me.
I never used to be like this, until the first time men laughed at me trying to defend myself. I never worried about being fat, until the first time a man called me that. I know, in my head, that it’s not that I’m just weak, most would succumb to that kind of pressure, but I still feel like I should have just been stronger. Should just be stronger. But I guess inside I’m still an insecure little white girl, who needs approval and encouragement to do what she wants. The only exception to this is with how I treat men and rape-apologists. But then, the only emotion I feel is loathing and rage for men and the world. Or I feel nothing at all, become icy and logical. I don’t hesitate at all, and go right for the jugular. Yet, around women, I just freeze up, because I want to be accepted so badly.
TL;DR: I’m sorry for being such a flake, y’all. The post after this will probably be a personal one as well, because I saw a gynecologist yesterday. Now I feel so disgusting and violated. And stupid for going at all, because I should have known it wouldn’t help.