The “feminist” analysis of BDSM is the main reason I became a radical feminist. Women talking about how they love being spanked, etc, etc, but getting all defensive (i’m still FEMINIST GOSH SEX-POLICING) just got old. Especially because I said the same thing-without the feminist part-when I was with glenn. This was high school, what are supposed to be the best years of my life. With him, I *liked* kinky stuff.
After he first raped me, I stayed with him for two a half years. I repressed what he did and continued to have “consensual sex” with him. I’d suggest kinky stuff, he’d suggest kinky stuff, if I was a little hesitant I might say so. But I always did in the end. He bragged to his friends I liked it. I orgasmed a lot-so I liked it, right? He loved me. I loved him. If you asked me about our sex? I enjoyed it. Really did, yes I’m sure. Yeah, I’m just naturally submissive and a nympho. Nothing makes you feel more desired than being someone’s sextoy.
It’s always about the woman’s desire. What if SHE consents, what if she ASKS to be spanked, to be bound, to be “raped” in a roleplay, to dress up like a little girl. Fine, whatever. I know women can like those things. I did myself. We may disagree why they do (I say brainwashing AKA socialization, they say natural/choice), but I know women can like them.
But their partner, the man-what about him? Like with the “sex worker” debates, the men are made invisible by the “sex-positives.” For a couple to have “sex” like this, he’s has to do his part. And he gets turned on by hitting you, tying you up, “fake” raping you, and pretending you’re a little girl. For a woman to “choose” to be tied up and whipped, someone has to do the whipping. For you to fulfill your desire to be hurt, someone has to like hurting you. You like being helpless and feeling like he could do whatever he wants to you, giving up any control. He likes you being helpless, feeling like he could do anything to you, raping you, and he gets off on having total control.
Do I blame submissives and masochists, whether they’re men or women? No, so long as they don’t act like BDSM is the most progressive sex ever, avoid the whole “CHOICECHOICE” bullshit and acknowledge that abused women say use the same defenses.
Do I blame dominants, masters, tops, and sadists? Hell yes. They get off on pain– specifically, women’s pain. That’s misogyny. They have the mentality of a rapist and abuser. They want control and your submission.
He might say he only likes it because you “consent” to it and like it. But you can’t know that. Considering how often men rape, and especially how often it occurs in relationships– enjoying control over you, even if it’s just “pretend,” is a huge red flag. Kids don’t play pretend to imagine something they wouldn’t actually enjoy, or be someone they don’t like. They argue to be the main character or the character with the strongest powers. Most would probably WANT to be a superhero or have magical powers and shit. The same applies to dominant men and what they “pretend” in the bedroom: if they don’t already have control, they want it.
Even if what he is saying is true, why would he like that you enjoy those things? Why would he like you to enjoy being hurt and degraded? The short answer is to make you a slut and other you, but I’ll elaborate on that more later.
PS: Never get on the pill. Coming OFF of it is a trainwreck. I had only a bit of nausea when I first started it, but now I’m having a shit ton of cramps, mood swings, boob soreness and bleeding like a hurricane. Whatever the means. Fuck.