I can’t believe I forgot this.

But I still wish I hadn’t remembered.  I really don’t know what to do about this.  I haven’t been this dissociated for so long.  I was having such a good week, why did this memory have to come now?

I can’t remember how it came up, no matter how hard I push or how much I want to.   I remember who was involved.   Glenn was, of course.  The record store owner who checked me out and made passes at me whenever I’d visit the store with glenn.  Did glenn offer the owner the pictures of me?  Or was it that the owner suggested he exchange them for albums and discounts?

I know glenn had showed at least one picture of me to a friend without asking, and this was before we had broken up and during a honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle.  So after I left him, what would he have done with them?  Everytime I thought about it, I kept thinking he was too cowardly to risk posting them on the internet, that he would be too afraid of getting in trouble for having child pornography.  But giving them to one guy isn’t that risky.   Hell, giving it to a few isn’t.  People do it all the time.  He probably told the owner the same thing he told his friends: I dumped him for some other man; that the bitch (me) had planned to leave him all along.

If he showed one friend, why not the others?  He had already told them all about how he fucked me.  How I liked being spanked, choked, degraded and dressed up in whatever pornified outfit he wished.  So they gave him “toys” to help him out.  Ropes and a paddle that had holes in it, so the air wouldn’t slow down the speed of his swing.  I remember them talking about how lucky he was to have a nympho for a girlfriend.  I was his slut, and he bragged about it.  Why wouldn’t he show off the pictures of me he took?

I know he was angry when I broke up with him.  He stalked me for weeks, so there’s no way I couldn’t notice that.  Would he do that, though?  Put them on the internet?   Would his friends put it on the internet, or put him up to it?

No one believed the sex was really rape.  In the pictures, I smiled for him, posed in whatever obscene position he wanted me in.  No one would think I was being abused.  I was fooling myself.  He would distribute them, at least to his friends.  Of course he would.  He probably had even before I left him.  He’d definitely share them if it got him his music cheaper.

How am I supposed to get through the day knowing this?  For all I know, some dude could be on an amateur porn site, wacking off to the pictures of me degrading myself right now, thinking about what a slut I am.  Glenn himself could still be getting off on the pictures.  His friends could be with him, laughing together and bonding over a female body on display as men always do.

I still feel like it’s my fault.  Most feminists would call it consensual.  I still remember a discussion on feministing, where a woman had reported a gang rape, and a video was later put on the internet.  The video “proved” it was consensual-not just to the cops, but to the “feminist” commenters.  It clearly wasn’t rape.  She was lying, they said, cause she didn’t want to look like a slut or get in trouble for cheating on her boyfriend.  My smiles would prove I consented.

I cried when I read those comments months ago, but somehow I can’t bring myself to cry now.  My thoughts are all disjointed and I can’t even write a coherent paragraph.  Or, at least, they’re more incoherent than usual.   Happy summer break for me.


3 responses to “I can’t believe I forgot this.

  1. i dont think there are any radfems that would call it consensual, msc. and i dont even think that PIV is sex. i am reading dworkins memoir right now “diary of a feminist militant.” and she mentions how all of a sudden, rapists began photographing their rapes. i dont think that she mentions when this happened exactly, but she was traveling the world speaking about DV and sexual violence for some 25 years, and the women would all tell her privately later on about their rapes, and dworkin made it a point to always listen to every one of them. and one day they were just talking about rape (just, right?) and seemingly overnight, the victims began reporting that they had been not only raped but photographed too. when this first started happening, the photos helped get the rapists convicted. but not long after that, the photos “proved” consent, just as you say. dworkin notes that the only way to convict a rapist now is to have other women come forward and accuse a serial rapist of rape. that one woman is not credible enough on her own, and the photos “prove” the oppposite of what they clearly show: that a woman was brutalized. somehow…everyone thinks it should look different than it actually looks, i guess. perhaps they are unable to imagine how it *felt*. thats called empathy. but now that everyone is so pornified, we only care about what things look like, and not how they must *feel*.

    dworkin also mentions that she was a victim of DV/rape herself, and that noone ever believed her, or cared. there was one person, ONE PERSON who she barely even knew, who saw the cigarette burns on her breasts and her brutalized body, and said of the abuse “thats horrible.” she said that meant everything to her, just to hear it. thats really horrible, what happened to you, msc. you might like to read dworkins memoir BTW, when you are finished with your exams. just a thought. i am buying up all her books from amazon. between 5-10 bucks for brand or like-new. its the best money i have spent, since i was in school, and buying feminist books by the dozen. i actually read susan brownmiller in a “gender studies” class. back when gender studies still resembled feminism. you know…in the olden days (mid-late 90s). take care.

  2. Yeah, radfems would never agree that was consensual, thank god. I can’t understand being a feminist and thinking a porn video proves something is consensual. To me that makes you a rape apologist, and those are mutually exclusive. The fact that they call themselves feminists, though, made it such a betrayal to me. I had enough problems with them thinking pornography is good, but I didn’t expect them to go that low, and not give a shit about women at all.

    Even when women do look in pain, I see people make excuses about how they’re paid to do it or how the its just ” really good acting.” The women enjoying it, however, are not acting. I think people will just convince themselves of whatever they have to so that they can continue to think pornography is ok and good, honestly. It’s like people say to rape victims: “it takes two to tango.” The fact that she’s in it at all proves she wanted it; being fucked proves you wanted to be fucked. All women are considered sluts who will enjoy everything thrown at them. Circular logic at its best, really.

    And yup, no one ever fucking believes or cares. Even if they do “care” they generally remain friends with the abuser and try to not “take sides” (Hence I hate moderates soooo much). None of the people who said what happened to me was wrong really knew me at all. Fuck, I was in therapy in and out for those two and half years and they either said nothing or talked about how I needed to stop “letting him do things.”

    I already got to read her memoir for intro to women’s studies (its still women’s studies at my university, thank god), since we could pick women not on the list for a biography project. Of course Dworkin, Mackinnon, or any other radfems weren’t on the list. I enjoyed it a lot too; laughed and cried through the whole thing. Have you gotten to read In Harm’s Way, the thingy that has some transcripts from the pornography ordinance hearings? A similar thing to rapists suddenly taking pictures happened then-after deep throat came out, women were being throat raped, and rapists would even reference the film during the act. It’s pretty clear even without the studies porn has a relationship to rape, but the studies given in there are really good too. Tho, considering its from the 80s and people today still say there’s no studies showing a link between misogyny/rape and pornography, it’s kinda depressing to have such kickass research. The book is incredibly triggering, though, so it’s difficult to get through. It also includes the “free speech” brigade, using paid lawyers for much of their testimony, giving same goddamn arguments given today and making shit up about the ordinance.

    I know exactly what you mean by it being the best money you ever spent! I ordered intercourse and pornography along with my fall textbooks for like 3 dollars each, in perfect condition. I couldn’t believe how cheap the books were, considering how important and awesome they are. But everyone hates them so whatevs. I just finished exams today (YESSSS), so I’m going to buy woman hating or letters in a war zone next. I hate that I can’t find them at places like half price books, tho I’m still pissed at certain stores nearby that put ANYTHING woman-related in “women’s studies.” (Suicide girls photobook? Women’s studies. It was right next to intercourse at barnes and noble tho, so it could be worse I guess. *sigh*)

    Also some creep got here by searching for amateur dick sucking videos, and some other one by looking for kiddie porn. I assume this happens often to radfems cause of what we discuss, but seriously, WTF.

  3. I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for what you had to go to, and my heart goes out to you.

    It’s scary how similar many of us younger womyns stories of survival from sexual assault are.

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