I’d rather have intercourse than suck dick.

Yup.  Really.  From what my lover has told of the douchebags discussing their sexual conquests/rapes at his school, men generally prefer blowjobs to intercourse. 

What?  I don’t understand that at all.  The feeling of flesh against flesh is the best part of making love to me, and while I enjoy my lover going down on me, I prefer to be on an equal level and very close.  (symbolism matters!)  Most blowjobs, too, are done with the man sitting on a chair/couch and a woman sitting on the floor or him standing and her on her knees.  Yikes.  Not even on an equal plane.

The thing is, with intercourse…men can believe women enjoy it, because we’re being touched too.  For some women at least, I’d think intercourse causes considerable amounts of pleasure, especially when the guy doesn’t act like his dick is a hammer.

Because blowjobs are generally one sided, he knows she’s getting jack shit down there.  He’s using her sexually and she’s not even getting physical pleasure out of it.  Any “pleasure” she might get is pride and happiness at pleasing him, showing she’s willing to serve.  Not that most women enjoy intercourse, but men can at least imagine they do.  (Except as conceptualized in deep throat, which provides a rationalization for making a woman gag.)  And as many men and pornographers point out, you can’t speak or argue with a dick in your mouth.

I always thought it was weird that in pornography, “foreplay” (hate this word, assumes that everything except intercourse is just a warmup)  is generally the woman going down on the guy?  Wtf?  That doesn’t make any goddamn sense, since most women don’t orgasm from intercourse.  And if you’re going to have it, shouldn’t you be doing something for her before it?  I sure wouldn’t get turned on enough for intercourse by that.  But of course, sex, especially in pornography, is for the man, and he gets off on the power-trip.

As Dworkin said, intercourse is synonomous with violation.  You fuck someone, you nail them, you screw them-all incredibly violent things to say.  The same is true with blowjobs: that sucks big hairy dick (something is bad or stupid), suck my dick (screw you), skullfucking, facefucking, gag on it, cocksucker (a loser).   Even Renegade Evolution, a “sex-positive”, has the tags on her blog: “Bobcan suck my strap on in hell” and “other people who can suck my strap on in hell.”  You’d think, as a woman and an advocate for “freeing” women’s sexuality, she would say “suck my clit.”  But no, that’s not degrading.  Sucking dick is what’s degrading.  “Suck my dick” is a command.  It’s using sex to degrade and intimidate someone.  It’s a rape threat.

Because of deep throat and the pornography that followed it, I think blowjobs are now the patriarch’s preferred method of “sex” and degredation.  So I refuse to give them.  Because of conditioning, if you give a guy a blowjob, you can bet he thinks you’re degrading yourself.  And he probably likes that.  If he says he doesn’t, you can’t know he still sees you as an equal- he can’t erase the cultural impact of pornography and the way the act is discussed and conceptualized.

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2 responses to “I’d rather have intercourse than suck dick.

  1. Social Worker

    So here’s my question for the class. (And I am afraid to ask this on fcm’s or miss andrea’s site because of the sound verbal thrashing I’m sure I would get, especially with fcm’s excellent PIV writing she’s done lately.)

    Is performing and participating in the sex acts I enjoy detrimental to my feminist beliefs and those of other women?

    In other words, if I like blowjobs (or anal or doggy or fillintheblank), does that make me a bad feminist?

    Does it make any difference doing it for/with a woman vs. a man? Is degrading degrading?

    Am I forever out of the radfem club for enjoying sex (assuming I was ever in)?

    • I dun really care for such ideas as a “bad feminist.” Is having sex with a man dangerous? Yeah, it is, but I do. I don’t think it makes me not a radfem, just not a lesbian separatist (which I see as a subset of radfem).

      I assume by “sex” you don’t necessairly mean PIV, because you’ve been reading FCMs posts. I don’t really blame some people for this, because sex-positives have screamed from the rooftops for decades now that radfem = anti-sex. Not to mention, I still have trouble conceiving that sex can be had while avoiding PIV, let alone PIV and blowjobs. I don’t really know a better way to demonstrate how I think het sex can be made as nonexploitive/nondegrated as possible, so I’m gonna be blunt here and just talk about how I have sex with my nigel (which I do, a lot). We usually just make out and touch each other with our hands-I used to like him fingering me fairly frequently (only when I asked of course), but I’ve been getting memories with my ex David lately so we haven’t done that at all. Meaning that we’ll make out, kiss each other places we’re comfortable with, and take turns touching each others bits till we orgasm-no penetration at all anymore. There was a post on bonobobabe’s that pointed out women usually come first (because sex is done once the dude ejaculates, basically), and since I’ve read that he’s always come first. Unless I’ve told him I don’t feel like touching him at all, which does happen sometimes. I’d say around half of the time he goes down on me, sometimes touching himself while he does it. I usually get multiples and he usually comes once or twice (because we’ll literally spend hours, so there’s enough time after him finishing while he’s touching me for him to be able to orgasm again). Or sometimes we’ll make out or he’ll kiss me places while I masturbate. Last time I just kinda rubbed him (with a condom of course) against my clit until I came and he did (it was pretty much at the same time), and I think we’ll be doing that more often, since we both kinda miss having simultaneous orgasms like we did with intercourse. We generally stop once I’m too tired or too sensitive to keep having orgasms, assuming neither of us has gotten uncomfortable during it. Or because we’re hungry or thirsty or my parents knock. (I live with them in the summer and stay here on weekends in the school year)

      And seriously, no one gets kicked out for enjoying sex. I commented on FCM’s and said I enjoy(ed) intercourse a lot with my nigel because of how we do it. This might come as a huuuueg surprise because of my politics, but the time on the internet I’m not reading radfem blogs? I’m reading yaoi/slash fanfiction, lemons (the explicit stuff) and all. Or collecting fanart. And a lot of the time, fanfics are what I masturbate with. I also draw, and my sketchbook is probably 80% naked dudes, 10% naked chicks, and 10% fashion design. I do avoid stuff that’s overtly BDSM or abusive, which depending on the fandom can be a lot of the fan-made stuff. The fandom I frequent the most though (Persona 4) generally doesn’t have much BDSM or abuse, and when it does it’s usually for the plot of whatever fanfic its in.

      For “blowjobs” specifically-I can imagine a woman giving these and not feeling degraded, but the dude’s perspective is the one that worries me. And the language surrounding it-I mean, it’s called a JOB for fuck’s sake. I don’t think any sex that’s referred to as a job can be nonexploitable. If I were comfortable with it, I MIGHT do it with my nigel, but only because he says* he’s never seen porn and has never asked me to go down on him.

      Similar thing with anal or “doggy style”-I cannot imagine a case where a dude would want to do these things with a woman and not be pornsick or getting off on degrading her. Not to mention anal intercourse is even more dangerous than PIV in some ways. I did bring up anal with my lover-with him receiving-because I heard that dudes can maybe have multiples that way and I wanted to share how awesome that is with him, but that’s a totally different dynamic than a dude asking a woman to “let him” (as I’ve seen them phrase it) have anal sex with her.

      *ahem* I think I got kinda carried away talking about my sex life, because its fucking awesome and I’m still so surprised. Apologies for long comment. Hopefully this and that other postclarified things a bit-if not, feel free to ask more questions and stuff.

      *Asterik necessary because dudes lie about watching porn a lot. I only believe him because he’s never used porn language or acted like he’s seen it. Plus, when I did try and go down on him, he really didn’t enjoy it much at all because it was difficult to keep eye contact and remain on the same level.

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