This is supposed to be mainly a way for me to grow, heal and interact with other women. I have a shit ton of posts saved in drafts, but haven’t published any of them yet because I’m shy and I’m worried people will think I’m stupid. Yup, being conditioned as a woman still affects me, a whole year after becoming a radical feminist. I figure the best way to fight that is by being loud and getting my ideas out there, however terrified I am of “sex-positives” finding me and telling me off.
I’m going to be upfront about everything: I’m 18, white, upper-middle class, college-educated (educating? I’m in it now), and currently have a man as my lover. This means, obviously, that I am privileged in every sense of the word except for being female and having PTSD/dissociative disorders. I may be dating a man right now, but there’s no way we’re ever getting married willingly.*
The fact that my lover is a man, though, is part of the reason I want to blog. He’s the only one in my life who I can discuss radical feminism, patriarchy, hating men, etc, with and not get ignored or hear some “but everyone’s equal now” crap—besides him, I’m pretty much a loner. Which would be fucked up whether or not I’m a radical feminist, but is more annoying because of it. (He doesn’t think it’s healthy either, and he damn well better not or I’d dump his ass post-haste.)
Thus a part of the reason for me starting this blog: I want to have close friends that are women, and those that I made throughout middle school and high school cared more about my rapists than me. I literally lost all my friends in the fallout, and I obviously have trouble making any new friends now thanks to Major Trust Issues™. Not to mention my political values and refusal to let people pull any bullshit have forced me to ditch the friends here that I did make.
This blog will probably be personal a lot, because my experiences have a lot to do with how I see things. I’ve been in two abusive relationships, been raped by at least four different people who knows how many times. I’ve had an eating disorder and I still struggle with self harm. There are other things I struggle with, but some of them are so shameful to me I can’t write plainly about them yet.
Hopefully, I won’t end up like other white ladies who go all “oh noez, but i r not racistz” at blogs like AROOO. But I know I’m probably going to fuck up at some point, simply because I never have had to deal with some kinds oppression. Besides that, can I be an idiot? Yeah, I might be. A lot of the posts I have saved up directly criticize and tear apart stupid “sex-positive” posts (from specific authors, some of them pretty popular) for the misogyny they commit. I’m undecided as to whether the inevitable consequences of that are worth it, considering many of their “arguments” trigger me.
Today is so appropriate to get this stuff the hell out of just draft-I didn’t mean to do it, but yesterday I realized. Dworkin died five years ago today, and she’s been such a big influence on me. I might write a post about that later, if I decide to keep procrastinating on my women’s literature paper due Monday. (Yes, I procrastinate with my sociology/women’s studies work by…reading/writing radical feminist or other sociology-ish stuff. I’m not sure what to think of that.)
* Unless we have to for insurance, because the government won’t just give us universal healthcare. Thanks for ensuring I must attach myself to a man, government. But, at least we won’t be forced to have some bullshit capitalist ceremony where I’m symbolically (instead of legally!) made his property.