Monthly Archives: April 2010

I’d rather have intercourse than suck dick.

Yup.  Really.  From what my lover has told of the douchebags discussing their sexual conquests/rapes at his school, men generally prefer blowjobs to intercourse. 

What?  I don’t understand that at all.  The feeling of flesh against flesh is the best part of making love to me, and while I enjoy my lover going down on me, I prefer to be on an equal level and very close.  (symbolism matters!)  Most blowjobs, too, are done with the man sitting on a chair/couch and a woman sitting on the floor or him standing and her on her knees.  Yikes.  Not even on an equal plane.

The thing is, with intercourse…men can believe women enjoy it, because we’re being touched too.  For some women at least, I’d think intercourse causes considerable amounts of pleasure, especially when the guy doesn’t act like his dick is a hammer.

Because blowjobs are generally one sided, he knows she’s getting jack shit down there.  He’s using her sexually and she’s not even getting physical pleasure out of it.  Any “pleasure” she might get is pride and happiness at pleasing him, showing she’s willing to serve.  Not that most women enjoy intercourse, but men can at least imagine they do.  (Except as conceptualized in deep throat, which provides a rationalization for making a woman gag.)  And as many men and pornographers point out, you can’t speak or argue with a dick in your mouth.

I always thought it was weird that in pornography, “foreplay” (hate this word, assumes that everything except intercourse is just a warmup)  is generally the woman going down on the guy?  Wtf?  That doesn’t make any goddamn sense, since most women don’t orgasm from intercourse.  And if you’re going to have it, shouldn’t you be doing something for her before it?  I sure wouldn’t get turned on enough for intercourse by that.  But of course, sex, especially in pornography, is for the man, and he gets off on the power-trip.

As Dworkin said, intercourse is synonomous with violation.  You fuck someone, you nail them, you screw them-all incredibly violent things to say.  The same is true with blowjobs: that sucks big hairy dick (something is bad or stupid), suck my dick (screw you), skullfucking, facefucking, gag on it, cocksucker (a loser).   Even Renegade Evolution, a “sex-positive”, has the tags on her blog: “Bobcan suck my strap on in hell” and “other people who can suck my strap on in hell.”  You’d think, as a woman and an advocate for “freeing” women’s sexuality, she would say “suck my clit.”  But no, that’s not degrading.  Sucking dick is what’s degrading.  “Suck my dick” is a command.  It’s using sex to degrade and intimidate someone.  It’s a rape threat.

Because of deep throat and the pornography that followed it, I think blowjobs are now the patriarch’s preferred method of “sex” and degredation.  So I refuse to give them.  Because of conditioning, if you give a guy a blowjob, you can bet he thinks you’re degrading yourself.  And he probably likes that.  If he says he doesn’t, you can’t know he still sees you as an equal- he can’t erase the cultural impact of pornography and the way the act is discussed and conceptualized.

Whores as the Other

Whores have often been described by pro-sex industry feminists as sacred.  (See: Cunt, Sacred Whore, etc.)  If the job returns to its (highly debatable) roots, where whores were essentially priestesses, their status will increase, as they will be considered sacred and holy.  Which sounds wonderful, but ignores an essential and classic element of women’s oppression.

Women are Other; men are normal.  Women’s sexuality is heavenly and sacred; men’s is earthly and carnal.  By elevating the female sexuality and biology as something sacred, they are promoting a totally unoriginal paradigm-one that has existed for all time (it’s called benevolent sexism).  We have a “natural” nurturing/mothering instinct, and we’re “naturally” more emotional and empathetic.  Essentially, what this does, is make us “more” than human, putting us on a pedestal-and thus sets us up to be knocked down for the slightest failure in Womanhood.  (see Carol Queen’s discussion of “sex-negative” whores.)

By framing whores as nurturing and kind (or at least ideally so), it simply moves the male-supremacist traits required of Mothers and “good girls” onto the whores as well.

Our sexuality is considered different as well.  By making us all-forgiving and all-tolerating and nurturing, we become different from normal people, who make mistakes and bear grudges, thus making people incapable of empathy or understanding towards us.  Who hasn’t heard a man complain, “Women are confusing,” “I just don’t understand them,” “Women are crazy,” “From a different planet”?

The idea of whores as sacred is nothing new, except that it takes the desired traits from one female archetype (the virgin/mother) and adds them to another.  Demanding women to be all-accepting and nurturing is nothing new-it has been mandated by men since patriarchy began, but typically limitless tolerance has only been expected of wives and mothers.  No one cared, and many still don’t, if the prostitute “wanted” to do it or not.   And if their wife does not “understand,” indulge, or fulfill their desire, they are given sympathy and are provided another class of woman to meet their wants-whores, because any sexual desire, however sick, a man has, he is considered to have a “right” to satisfaction.  For a man who wants to consider himself decent and not force his desires on his wife, a whore is a perfect outlet-even if she didn’t want it, and says so, he doesn’t have to talk to her ever again.  Those who support johns, because people aren’t “understanding” of sexuality, support women as men’s scapegoats.

As the site linked above discusses, after you take the Ambivalent Sexism Inventory provided:

Women in the most sexist countries endorse benevolent sexism to an even greater degree than do men. Faced with hostile reactions if they reject conventional gender roles, these women often embrace benevolent sexism and the protection it promises.

When we are no longer human, we can be hurt, and we must tolerate it.  We must forgive.  When we are mythical, we feel no pain, worse, we enjoy it-and thus they hurt us.  Most religions present some variety of suffering as sacred-Christ suffered and died for our sins, no?  Perchance that is why whores were considered sacred?

I really don’t think being considered sacred for our sexual openness would benefit women at all-it would be the same as today, where women are punished if they’re “frigid” and “prudish.”   It might offer “protection” to some, but not to any woman who doesn’t want to fuck men, and only to certain women who do.  If it is that they are attempting to make sexuality scared, they are doing it in a disgusting way, by operating on the assumption that “sex” and “sexuality” equals woman.  It’s easy to see why, since we are raised to BE the sex class.  Being a symbol does necessitate that our humanity, again, remains invisible.

And to end, quotin’ some Dworkin that came to mind when I read about the “sacred Whore”:

Citing genes, genitals, DNA, pattern-releasing smells, biograms, hormones, or whatever is in vogue, male supremacists make their case which is, in essence, that we are biologically too good, too bad, or too different to do anything other than reproduce and serve men sexually and domestically.

For further reading on the topic, I suggest reading Dworkin’s speech Biological Superiority: The World’s Most Dangerous and Deadly Idea, the section on the three “types” of sexism in Right Wing Women, as well as Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex (especially the first few chapters and the comparison of male authors’ sexism).

Feminist Porn Awards 1: “Screw equality, bitches!”

You want proof for my assertion that the “sex-positive” feminist goal is to become as free and powerful as men are sexually?  Look no further than the feminist porn awards, especially this gem (huge trigger warning):

Whilst women the world over are fighting for equality, there remain a minority* whose lot is to obey the strong. Luckily for them, there are enough feisty women around who enjoy nothing more than to show their ‘little missies’ how to serve. This is porn that is from a genuine female point of view, brought to you from Britain’s first female porn director, Anna Span.

What the sex-positive philosophy is advocating here, as well as in general, is not a real revolution in erotica, pornography or even sex-it is advocating that women be able to dominate other women (and sometimes men) in the current way that men dominate us.  No woman should have to be subordinate, and no woman should be dominant.  It is not any more acceptable for a woman to dominate than a man-in fact, it shows how much bullshit gender is.  As Dworkin once said, it proves that we’re more like men than we ever thought we could be.  (biological superiority: world’s most dangerous idea.)

Why should we want to be like our oppressors?  We should want to pull men down to our level, not to fight each other for a place equal to them while other women will remain beneath us.  As women have entered the workplace and gathered some political, economic and social power, the more powerful women are becoming more like men.  The women who get ahead in the workplace are those who don’t have children and who behave just as men do.  And these “feminists”–who want to be powerful women–are of course imitating the model of success and power that currently exists.  We must not accept that masculinity is somehow better than femininity, even though ours give us less success.  The system is the problem.   It rewards aggressiveness, competitiveness, and a sociopathic lack of empathy.  We cannot mold ourselves to the system, for we would cease to be women-identified, leaving the women who remain women-centered and the Black, the poor, and the prostituted women at the bottom of the heap.

And no doubt, with this new sexual model proposed by the sex-positives, women will be raped more, and the women who aren’t raped will be more likely rape other women or socially “weaker” men.  Men rape because they are hypersexed, eroticize dominance, and feel entitled to what they want.  When women do this too, we will follow the same path.   This is equality, yes, but it’s not liberation.  We should not desire sex the male way: emotionless, purely physical, centered around the orgasm and the fuck, yet dirty and degrading for whoever “bottoms.”

Sex-positives say : I can fuck women too.   I say we should stop fucking period.

*Probably not white ladies.

(Wow, I feel kind of pretentious)

Pornography: White Women’s Liberation

Now, us white women have always been really slow at picking up the intersections of race and gender-many of the most prominent feminist works focus only the white heterosexual middle-class woman’s perspective (i.e. The Feminine Mystique, any critique of beauty standards, suffragettes, burlesque).  Mainstream and academic feminists have begun to “pay attention to” nonwhite women* only after numerous criticisms, and now at least feature them occasionally as commentators on race as another layer of oppression.  They couldn’t possibly still be racist, as the coverage proves they care. (Pffft.)

Pro-sex industry feminists, on the other hand…wow, they haven’t even gotten to the “I-need-to-talk-about-race-issues-sometimes-so-I-can’t-be-called-racist” stage. Maybe because they hang out with white liberal dudes? But seriously.  Look ’em up, if you don’t believe me (or just check out the examples): they’re invariably white, even though most data gathered on the sex industry says that “sex” workers are disproportionately nonwhite women or formally colonized peoples. I always try and look at the source of a perspective and the privileges they benefit from, because I don’t want to be blissfully unaware of my privileges (although I have that ability) and be a self-centered douche.  All of us have a responsibility to do this with each of our privileges before we speak, since we benefit from the systems of oppression and were raised to see our privilege as natural and our experiences as universal.

When reading debates on the empowerment of pornography, many of the pro-sex industry feminists would cite “feminist pornographers” such as Susie Bright, Annie Sprinkle, Nina Hartley, and others as examples of “good” pornography.  Because I always have that lingering doubt that I could be wrong (thanks gender conditioning), I generally will at least consider that whatever the person says could be true, no matter how much it goes against my reasoning, my instinct or common sense. This doubt of my reality is the same kind that was invoked when someone would tell me I “consented” with my ex-boyfriends, glenn and david, or I was only “imagining” the problem.  I feel out of my body, confused and stupid, so I try to look at their argument and their references in depth, to see how I was/could be wrong.

So, taking them at their word, I researched these pro-pornography “feminists,” and (not surprisingly) it confirmed many of the ideas I had about the “sex-positive” school of thought: the perspective of “sex” work, pornography, and promiscuity as liberation depends upon the patriarchy-imposed expectation of virginity and chastity given to middle-to-upper class white girls.  Black men and women are considered exotic and animalistic; they always want sex.  Latina women are also considered exotic and perpetually aroused; they always want sex.  Asian women are exotic and always willing to please.  Only white (and some Asian) women can qualify for the virgin/purity, side of the patriarchy’s dichotomy, because nonwhite skin itself is seen as a sign of sexual deviance; and thus, declaring that you want sex or have a high sex drive can only seem liberating when the chastity and purity are assumed, expected, or valued.  The construction of nonwhite women as always wanting sex, or at least having a high desire for it, is what makes them “unrapeable” in our culture.  To say that promiscuity, “sex” work, and enjoying all of the above is liberating for women, then, would ignore the reality of most of womankind.**

And as always, history is being repeated.  When white women decided the “solution” to their oppression would be entry into the workforce and self-reliance, nonwhite women had been in the workforce already and were still not free.  They complained about the exclusion of their experience from the women’s movement, but were ignored.   Even earlier, when white women were complaining about being seen as delicate, being patronized and wanting the vote, Black women were forced to plow, plant, do housework and make it on their own. (see Sojourner Truth)   White women insisting that “sex” work is empowering or will make us free is repeating that same damn mistake.  We throw any women under the bus, and the patriarchy wins.  We commodify ourselves and capitalism smiles.  There will be no women’s liberation if it does not free the most hated of us.  And as we should know, the most hated of us is going to be the darkest, poorest, and least employable of us.

Note that these examples are only some examples from what I came across in searches of the “feminist pornographers” sites or their links, not references to some distant financial or political associations with other “more” blatantly racist and sexist pornographers***, though I will discuss that in some time.  All information was gathered from their sites and/or links.

(Canadian-based) Commercial Sex Information Service, Whore Heroines and Heros
According to government reports, however, Aboriginal  women are disproportionately represented in all estimates of the  racial distribution of prostitutes…yet all the whore heroines/heros are white. (Link)  This site also hosts several “sex worker” organizations, such as PONY and COYOTE.

Candida Royalle, according to her site,

“[leads] the way in women’s seuxal empowerment and pleasure” and created the idea of “couples erotica.  “Royalle recently created a new line of “ethnic erotica for couples” called Femme Chocolat in order to provide high quality intelligent erotica for the largely underserved market of ethnic women and couples.”

She reinforces the racist paradigm of white as default by describing this line that includes nonwhite women as “ethnic,” while proclaiming a progressive idea.  ‘Cause white people don’t “have” an ethnicity.  And to top it off, it’s called Femme Chocolat?  You’ve gotta be shitting me.

BIG FUCKING TRIGGER WARNING: Notable “Feminist” Nina Hartley in Little Red Rides The Hood #4.  No link here, just google it if you doubt it exists.    Because white ladies = innocent who are going to get fucked by Scary Black People.

* I use this term, because I found this post on the idea of “women of color” and Black women very enlightening. So I’m now going to use the term for women who aren’t white that was used by its author/the commentators since their obviously more knowledgeable about the subject than I would be.   And their argument makes a fuckton of sense.

**Most women are not white, and I hope you knew that.  The fact that I have to say that disgusts me, but it was pointed out in a post on AROOO (which one, I cannot recall) that when people hear “women” or “woman,” especially in a feminist context, they think “white ladies.”

*** The quotes are necessary, as many of these examples are so incredibly racist I can’t help but gag and wonder how the fuck anyone “progressive” could tolerate, defend, or let alone publish these.

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Global Prostitution

Found at The Global Sociology Blog: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Global Prostitution

Not putting right on here, ’cause it’s a huge-ass image and it might take a while to load for those with slower computers and connections.

First Post

This is supposed to be mainly a way for me to grow, heal and interact with other women.  I have a shit ton of posts saved in drafts, but haven’t published any of them yet because I’m shy and I’m worried people will think I’m stupid.  Yup, being conditioned as a woman still affects me, a whole year after becoming a radical feminist.  I figure the best way to fight that is by being loud and getting my ideas out there, however terrified I am of “sex-positives” finding me and telling me off.

I’m going to be upfront about everything: I’m 18, white, upper-middle class, college-educated (educating? I’m in it now), and currently have a man as my lover.   This means, obviously, that I am privileged in every sense of the word except for being female and having PTSD/dissociative disorders.  I may be dating a man right now, but there’s no way we’re ever getting married willingly.*

The fact that my lover is a man, though, is part of the reason I want to blog.  He’s the only one  in my life who I can discuss radical feminism, patriarchy, hating men, etc, with and not get ignored or hear some “but everyone’s equal now” crap—besides him, I’m pretty much a loner.  Which would be fucked up whether or not I’m a radical feminist, but is more annoying because of it.  (He doesn’t think it’s healthy either, and he damn well better not or I’d dump his ass post-haste.)

Thus a part of the reason for me starting this blog: I want to have close friends that are women, and those that I made throughout middle school and high school cared more about my rapists than me.  I literally lost all my friends in the fallout, and I obviously have trouble making any new friends now thanks to Major Trust Issues™.  Not to mention my political values and refusal to let people pull any bullshit have forced me to ditch the friends here that I did make.

This blog will probably be personal a lot, because my experiences have a lot to do with how I see things.  I’ve been in two abusive relationships, been raped by at least four different people who knows how many times.  I’ve had an eating disorder and I still struggle with self harm.  There are other things I struggle with, but some of them are so shameful to me I can’t write plainly about them yet.

Hopefully, I won’t end up like other white ladies who go all “oh noez, but i r not racistz”  at blogs like AROOO.  But I know I’m probably going to fuck up at some point, simply because I never have had to deal with some kinds oppression.  Besides that, can I be an idiot?  Yeah, I might be.  A lot of the posts I have saved up directly criticize and tear apart stupid “sex-positive” posts (from specific authors, some of them pretty popular) for the misogyny they commit.  I’m undecided as to whether the inevitable consequences of that are worth it, considering many of their “arguments” trigger me.

Today is so appropriate to get this stuff the hell out of just draft-I didn’t mean to do it, but yesterday I realized.  Dworkin died five years ago today, and she’s been such a big influence on me.  I might write a post about that later, if I decide to keep procrastinating on my women’s literature paper due Monday.  (Yes, I procrastinate with my sociology/women’s studies work by…reading/writing radical feminist or other sociology-ish stuff.  I’m not sure what to think of that.)

* Unless we have to for insurance, because the government won’t just give us universal healthcare.  Thanks for ensuring I must attach myself to a man, government.  But, at least we won’t be forced to have some bullshit capitalist ceremony where I’m symbolically (instead of legally!) made his property.